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Some funny computer one-liners…

Posted on October 22, 2010 By

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IT Professionals- Funny one liner

•   Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

•   Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

•   Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…

•   ”Intel Inside”: The world’s most commonly used warning label.

•   Printer not ready. Do you have a pen?

•   A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1…

•   Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

•   Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

•   All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

•   A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.

•   Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred…?

•   If engineers built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

•   A computer scientist is someone who, when told to ’Go to Hell’, sees the ‘go to’, rather than the destination, as harmful.

•   FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! – Press any key to do nothing…

•   There are two ways to write error-free programs.
Only the third one works.

•   A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.

•   A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

•   Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for ‘still doesn’t work.‘

•   Computer analyst to programmer: You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.

•   Computer Science: solving today’s problems tomorrow.

•   If your computer says: Printer out of Paper, this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the ‘OK’ button.

•   It said: ‘Insert disk 3…’ but only 2 fit in the drive.

•   Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait.

•   My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

•   Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - Rich Cook

•   Intel: We put the ‘um…’ in Pentium.

•   Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says: ’Click… ‘, wait for the rest of the sentence.

•   BREAKFAST.COM Halted… Cereal Port Not Responding.

•   1010011010 – The binary number of the Beast
•   1332 – The number of two Beasts

•   A program is a device used to convert data into error messages.

•   A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.

•   Never execute code written on a Friday or a Monday.

•   File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

•   ”If the Start Windows Restart when Windows starts check box is checked Windows Restart will start automatically every time Windows is started.”
- Actual excerpt from a windows program help file!

[Source: Various]

An amazingly intelligent joke…

Posted on October 19, 2010 By

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[I received this joke in email back in 2004, and it is really impressive and worth reading...]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

“Patrick Henry, 1775.” He said.

“Very good!”
Who said “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”
Again, no response except from Suzuki.

“Abraham Lincoln, 1863″, said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.

She heard a loud whisper: “F**k the Japs”
“Who said that?” she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982″

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991″

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
“Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997″

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “[California Congressman] Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
“Oh shit, we’re f**ked!”
and Suzuki said,
“Americans… in Iraq, 2004″